my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
