If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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