I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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