So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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