Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize