I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
