There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize