god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I am puke
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
