I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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