my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
