I need to stop coming to work sober
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
a search helicopter?!
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Randomize
