I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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