alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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