I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
