I think I won the penis lottery.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
