he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
