i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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