my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
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