i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
