I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
