She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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