i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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