i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
