Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
