he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
