someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
