Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
