I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i love accidental penises.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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