In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He felt like a one man threesome
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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