I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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