I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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