I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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