good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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