The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
