I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
