I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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