I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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