I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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