I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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