Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
