Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
