I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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