I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You can't just leave with hair like that
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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