Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
