I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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