My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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