my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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