i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
