He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I touched a dick in church today
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize