He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
