Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
