apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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