Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
