i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
