The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
