no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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