I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
