I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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